My Coffee Addiction

 Coffee has and always will be one of the many things that makes me happy in life. Coffee is the perfect start to my day. Coffee has been there for me during the good times and the bad. Coffee has never disappointed me. Whenever I was having a bad day, I would get myself a cup of coffee. Whenever I was sad, coffee was what I made. Whenever I was hungry, coffee was what I drank...The very first time I learned about any type of eating disorder was in my freshman psychology class in college. Our professor informed us about Bulimia Nervosa, Anorexia Nervosa, and the physical ailments that result from each disease. You're probably wondering, why did this blog post just transition from coffee to eating disorders so drastically? Well, because coffee was a primary source and trigger to my eating disorder. I realized after taking this class, that no one truly knows what goes on in an anorexic or bulimic individual's life. We only learn what causes it. It is my opinion that people should understand more about what these diseases do to people. So first off,  Anorexia is due mainly to the behavior of restriction, compulsive exercise, laxative and/or diuretic use. Bulimia involves the behaviors of bingeing and purging, as well as laxative and other medication use. Not one disease is limited to just these behaviors. Every single individual with an eating disorder struggles with a variety of different behaviors. Don't believe everything you read in a textbook. These are simply the behaviors most commonly associated with each disease. Bingeing is the action of eating large quantities of food in a very short amount of time, past the feeling of fullness. Purging is the action of purposely forcing oneself to vomit in order to get rid of the food an individual has consumed. Restriction is the action of not eating food for long periods of time, or eating very little. Laxatives and diuretics are used for increasing bowel movements, and to increase the excretion of certain substances from the body, commonly abused by individuals with eating disorders. These probably sound pretty scary to most people, cuz they are. They wreck havoc on the human body, but they are nothing compared to the mental behaviors and struggles anorexic and bulimic individuals deal with on top of this. There is a reason this illness is classified as mental. So, upon learning the physical information about eating disorders, (which were the only parts discussed in class), I remember sitting at my desk, notebook in front of me, pencil in hand, scribbling down every note she put on the board, wondering if this would be on the exam next week...did I ever once during that entire class or semester consider the possibility that I had one of these diseases. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa about a year later. I struggled with restriction of food, and compulsive exercise. I consider myself lucky for never discovering the use of laxatives or diuretics during the process of my eating disorder. I never used laxatives, but I did discover a supplement that changed a huge part of my life. After restricting so much food and drink from my diet, coffee is where I drew the line. I had to find a way to keep it in my life without upsetting my eating disorder. As if the world was reading my mind, I saw an ad while scrolling through my Instagram feed, for coffee, called SkinnyCoffee, its primary purpose being for weight loss. How clever. My eating disorder did not hesitate for a second. I spent about $30 a month for a new bag of coffee grounds. It didn't matter that it tasted terrible, or even remotely like actual coffee, as long as it was healthy and helping me lose weight, I kept ordering and I kept drinking.  Living with an eating disorder is extremely sneaky. Living with an eating disorder in college is extremely exhausting. The amount of excuses I came up with in order to hide my eating disorder and in order to not eat was diabolical. My eating disorder learned how to lie. It learned how to trick my mind into thinking I was full, into thinking I was being healthy, into thinking I felt good inside of the body I was carving. I was so blind to the damage that was happening right in front of me. I was blinded by my eating disorder. My eating disorder met all of the physical components I learned about in class, but no where close did it compare to the mental parts. My psychology class is a perfect example of the amount of information people are informed about eating disorders. Everything physical. No one knows what goes on in an anorexic individual's mind. Well, let me shed some light on what it's like.

Imagine you just wake up and you go into the kitchen and make yourself a cup of coffee (Yes, I am using another coffee example, hence the title). You're barely awake, craving that taste of caffeine to get your day started, but when you pick up the mug and take a sip, you're startled by the scorching liquid burning your taste-buds, but it tastes so good and you can already feel the caffeine waking you up, so you keep drinking, no matter how bad it hurts. You tell yourself it will pass eventually and the coffee will cool down. It doesn't matter that you can wait for it to cool down in that moment, you already took the first sip, so what's the point in stopping now? It doesn't matter the coffee is physically hurting you; it tastes good, and that is all that matters. If you haven't figured it out by now, that cup of coffee is my eating disorder. That feeling of caffeine is my mind. The blissful feeling of how the coffee makes me feel is what I felt when my eating disorder took over. The burning feeling on my tongue, is what my eating disorder did to me physically, but I didn't care. I simply kept on drinking. Now imagine being told that that burning feeling on your tongue...could kill you. The coffee has been burning your tongue every morning when you take that first sip, more and more every day, and it has gotten so bad that it has become an addiction, a disease, and the only way to recover is to stop drinking the coffee. But how can I stop drinking my coffee after doing it for so long? How can I just accept the fact that what I have been doing for so long...is something I shouldn't have been doing at all? It is the perfect start to my day!! I remember reading an article online on my way to class about the good and bad consequences that result from drinking coffee. I was hoping it would say something that convinced me coffee was nothing but good for you, but the only consequence I read that mattered to me at the time was the one I was dreading to read. That regular coffee can make you gain weight. And just like that, the one thing that I still let myself have and drink every morning, no longer was a part. Thinking back, I feel silly, because in reality, all food and all drinks can make you gain weight! I started to realize this once I started treatment. I realized a lot actually. I also realized that in order to stop doing something that I trained myself to do for so long, I had to first accept the fact that what I was doing was wrong. I had to accept the fact that I was sick, and that recovery was going to take a lot of time. I was so blind to my illness by the eating disorder that I didn't even question why it took coffee, my favorite thing, completely out of my life. I thought it was the right thing to do if I wanted to be fit and healthy. My very first acknowledgement that something might be wrong was when I stopped purchasing SkinnyCoffee about a year ago, and started to drink real coffee again. I drank it black and decaf, but it was a step, a significant step to my recovery. I remember how good drinking real coffee again tasted, but how guilty I felt. Every bone in my body was telling me to stop and to push the "order now" button. I never knew how sick I really was, but I knew something was so off that I would go to the extreme of giving up coffee. Sometimes when I saw students walking through campus with a Starbucks drink in their hand, it would take me every ounce of energy I had to not run up to that person and chug whatever caffeinated and delicious drink they had. Thankfully, I never did that. And thankfully, after months of re-wiring my brain and re-remembering my love for coffee, I have been able to build back my appreciation for it, the right way. The type of coffee that doesn't burn my tongue, that doesn't taste like crap, that isn't decaf, that isn't black, and that isn't meant for weight loss. My mentality around coffee was completely obscured. My mentality in general was a mess. I looked in the mirror and saw someone I've never seen before. I saw someone who was so worried about gaining weight and who never accepted her appearance that she would spend tons of money on things that truly didn't make her happy. The kind of thing that could kill her. Finally, I saw her start to change and turn into someone that I remembered and that I knew. It was slow and it was hard to watch, but getting rid of the coffee (ED), the coffee that distorted so much of my life, finally started to make me happy again. Every time I think about how cruel and how easily manipulative my eating disorder was to me, my gut wrenches. I never would've imagined to have gone through so much pain over coffee, of all things. This illness is mental. Imagine reading in a textbook about how eating disorders are influenced by the mind. About how eating disorders convince people to purposely starve themselves, to hate themselves, to never feel good enough, or accepted, or worthy of anything. Imagine reading in a textbook that says, "eating disorders grow and manipulate through the mind." Would you believe that? After reading this blog post you might be able to accept that fact and understand it. But for people and students who haven't read things like this, these facts would seem unrealistic. I can't change that reality, because that's just how it is. That's how our society works. However, for anyone reading this, believe me when I say, please don't limit yourself to just everything a textbook tells you, or social media, or your professors, or friends and family...because eating disorders are so much more than just physical. They are manipulating. They are emotionally exhausting. They are depressing. They are anxiety provoking. They are convincing. They are completely and utterly...mentally destroying. Something I learned to use in life when my eating disorder is telling me to put down the coffee, is a mental skill called fight-back thoughts. Here's one I learned for coffee: "drinking coffee protects against type 2 diabetes, Parkinson's disease, liver disease, liver cancer, and promotes a healthy heart." Suck on that ED!