A look into my brain

So lately I have been having some pretty heavy flashbacks revolved around the holidays and what my life was like last year. It got me thinking about the things that I went through around this time of year and it was nothing good, I know that. It got me thinking about how much has changed, how much I have changed, and how much better things have gotten. All of these thoughts have brought up some good and not so good feelings. It made me think about all of the things that I did to help me and my mental state get through all of those not so good feelings, and even the good ones. The one thing that I did almost every single day, after I was admitted for treatment in Denver, was journal. My wonderful mother got me this beautiful notebook the day after my admission to the ACUTE Center for Eating Disorders, and I wrote it in every single day. I think that notebook in fact played a pretty significant role in my decision to start this blog. Writing in my journal was my ultimate coping skill at that time. It was just me, my thoughts, and a pen. It was my time to just let everything out, basically like what I do here. I was reading from this journal the other day, reading my words and my feelings, and I thought...this should be shared. So, I am going to show you two different writings from this journal, the first one being day 1 of my treatment, and the first time I wrote in this particular journal, and the second one is about one week later. As I was reading this again, it felt like I was looking through a window, watching a flashback of my brain and all of its thoughts and emotions during that time of my life, and I felt like in many ways that it would be beneficial to share and turn into a blog. It has been a long and ongoing journey for me to be able to really open up about everything that I have been through and what I think and feel about it. It is okay to feel crappy sometimes and it is okay to feel amazing sometimes, we all go through it, and to prove that and to show that it is okay to admit to feelings and bad emotions or experiences, here is a small look into my brain and my own feelings and experiences during the time that changed my entire outlook on life and my life itself.

{Quick side note: these words were both taken directly out of my journal, non-edited, unchanged, and purely raw. I typed exactly, word for word, what I wrote the day that I wrote it.}

12-3-17

" Yesterday was my first day at ACUTE medical center for eating disorders. During my lunch break I was looking outside my window watching all the people walking through the park and with friends, coffee in hand, laughing and enjoying the beautiful fall day, and I thought about how I couldn't do that. I wasn't physically able, I'm not physically able to do those things. As I was watching them I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to be able to do that too. I might not even be able to make it home for Christmas. I might not even be able to see the river of lights this year. I have to get better. I was so worried about what I looked like physically and my body shape, but I'm realizing now that it doesn't matter at all. If I have to put my body through hell in order to look a certain way then something has to change. I want to be able to feel comfortable around my friends and family again and to stop thinking about my ex. I am who I am and I look the way I look and I should not change that. Once I go home and get over this, I am going to choose to be happy and do what makes me happy."

{Image taken from my window at ACUTE, where I watched the snow fall and people live their lives; in reference to above journal}

Now, you're probably thinking, Caitie, this was you're first day of treatment and you are already so optimistic and positive, you probably flew through your recovery! But no...let me explain. This journal entry was written with the idea in my head that I was only going to be there for a couple weeks. That I only had to gain "a little" weight, and that I wasn't going to feel a thing or be in any pain. It was written by the naive and clueless Caitie who had no idea what she was about to get herself into. Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with everything I wrote back then, and I admire myself for being so optimistic at that time, however, I really wasn't prepared for what was to come. Reading this again, and thinking back to that time and remembering myself putting the words on paper, I wish someone had just told me straight up..."Caitie, this is really going to suck, so just prepare yourself."

12-11-17

"Day 10, I have hit double digits. Unless I get to leave earlier this is about my half way mark at ACUTE but nothing is for certain. The whole time I have been here I have thought I'm not as sick as other patients and I never see other patients with their family. But, last night when I was doing my last laps a mother, I think, walked out of the patient room crying. I saw in the room they were giving the patient what looked like a feeding tube. The mother also kept staring at me with her tear filled eyes and I know she was just upset but it didn't make me feel great. I've noticed that too, when I go out-side in the wheelchair people either stare or try not to stare, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Kids stare the most, but I understand that. It is so weird being on this side of that situation. I used to be the one who stared and now I feel absolutely terrible for doing it. There are just so many things you realize in certain situation when you actually live them. I've also been thinking a lot about Christmas and to be honest I'm kinda dreading it because I won't be home and all of my friends are gonna ask why. Should I let Jessica tell them? Or come up with an excuse. What excuse would I even use? And I can't tell Jessica to lie. I just want a fresh start. I want a world where I can press a restart button and fix all of this...However, if I did that I wouldn't be able to learn so much and experience so much. I know this really sucks but I have to remember it's making me stronger and if I don't believe that, dad told me yesterday clear and simple about how strong I am and that's all I need in order to believe it. So who cares if my friends find out, at least I will be telling the truth, accepting my condition, and becoming stronger. If my friends don't treat me the same way Jessica and my family did after finding out then they aren't my friends. Clear and simple."

So, I chose this journal because it relates well to the whole reason I decided to share these written words of mine. That it is okay to tell people what you're going through, and to not be ashamed of it. This particular journal is a much more positive one compared to others. It actually took me a while to decide exactly which ones I wanted to use, because some of them were quite intense. I wanted to pick the pages where I was most positive and most encouraging, because those are the words that matter the most, and those are the words that I have learned to emphasize more than anything when dealing with a mental disorder, because your mind will do anything it can to quickly dismiss those thoughts if it interferes with the disorder itself. I also chose these journals because they were written around the same time this year, last year. Therefore, it just goes to show how much can really change. During this time, I felt like time was my enemy. I felt like I was never going to leave and that I was never going to recover. I was frightened deeply at the thought of missing out on the holidays, friends and family, the simple things like Christmas shopping and decorating the tree. I was missing out on traditions, on family gatherings, on college life! I was simply, missing out. But, here I am, a year later, doing all of those things again. I had conversations this week with both my therapist and my dad about how good things are going for me now, and about how different my life is now compared to then. I had very little hope, and when I did, they quickly vanished. Now, I hold on to them. I hold on to the good feelings and the joy I feel when I'm doing things or going through everyday like occurrences. Like when I'm eating lunch or dinner with family and friends, when I get ice-cream with my little sister, when my dad fixes my car and helps me get power back into my house where I live on my own as a college student. Every day life things can now bring me so much joy, and I hold on to that. I hold on to those feelings and use it as motivation to stay in the good place I am at and to keep moving forward. So, I encourage you, to tell others when you're feeling crappy, let yourself recover from it, and never let anyone or anything make you feel unworthy of good feelings and a normal life. Emphasize your good moments and your positive memories, because they are valid, and they are important, and they make you who you are. I can honestly say that my eating disorder truly took away the part of me that made me ME, but over time, I got me back, and I can honestly say, that I am a better version of myself now than I have ever been.

I have not decided if I want to share more journals from my journal yet. I do think there are some things that I wrote down that truly express what it was like to go through treatment and the different stages of treatment, however, everyone is different, and so is their recovery. I do not want these personal words of mine to offend or hinder anyone going through treatment of their own. So, I am asking you, if you are reading, let me know. Would you like to read more from my journal? Would it be helpful, or harmful? Was this helpful or harmful? Please don't be afraid to give me your honest opinion.

Thank you so much all of you beautiful/handsome people who continue to visit my site and read my blogs! I am so grateful for the support I have gotten through this blog and want to thank you so much for reading. I appreciate you and am sending you all my love and joy!