One Year Later...

I do not think I have seen a more accurate representation of my self and probably every other college student out there after finals are over than this image of sponge bob. This semester has been a total whirlwind and I am still in shock that it is actually over. I didn't even realize it until my Dad mentioned it, but I am a junior now...in COLLEGE. Like...what?!? The past few months have been good, bad, nostalgic, heartbreaking, scary, stressful, sad, fun, but over all, this entire year, I have learned more than I ever imagined I would. I certainly didn’t think I would be where I am now a year ago. This fall 2018 semester was the first semester and time in my life where I actually got to experience college. Where I got to experience late nights with friends, late night study sessions, late night snacks, new traditions, and new everything. It was the one semester out of all the other semesters I have completed so far, where my eating disorder did not completely control my life. Yes, I definitely struggled, and I definitely had bad days and some really bad experiences during this semester, but I learned from each and every one. And I have some very special people to thank for that.

It has definitely been a while sense I posted a blog. I can't really say why that is...I guess I just didn't see the need to. Plus, school was getting busy and my dating life started to become a real lifetime comedy show, so I was juggling a lot. I will explain more about my comical dating life and the experiences I shared in that department, but for the moment, I want to explain why I have chosen to post a blog now. This blog is special. This blog is solely and entirely dedicated to my family. For a long time I have been wondering if I will ever be able to repay them. To repay them for not just being a family, but for being the people in my life who kept me going through one of the scariest times of my life a year ago. Now, they will most likely say, "we're family, of course I'm supposed to help you and support you," but if you think about it, it could've destroyed us. Not to be dramatic, but that is not something that every family experiences. It isn't something that just...happens. Family, even if you think you weren't apart of my recovery, you were. I knew that if my family could support me, love me, accept me, be there for me, and just be my family regardless of what I was going through, then I knew I had to recover for you. You were my motivation.

So, sense this blog is dedicated to you wonderful people, let's talk about you shall we?? Everyone in my family had some sort of positive impact on me, but I just wanted to thank and appreciate those who made life in treatment and after treatment, a little easier.

To start off, mom and dad...my two rocks. The two people who I literally have confided in with everything. Honestly, if you two were secretly the real superman and superwoman, I wouldn't even bat an eye. I would say "duh." I think one of my biggest fears was seeing you two start to argue, or to let what happened come between your relationship. I dreaded it and I knew if it did happen I'm not sure I would've been able to handle it, or ever forgive myself. I'm not saying you two never fought at all. I'm sure there were arguments here and there in private, but you never let it take over, and I just want  to say thank you for that. You are literal WARRIORS. 

Dad, we have shared quite a few meals together in the past year. Some stressful ones, some fun ones, some sad ones, but the one dinner I shared with you that I know I will never forget was in Denver, at the sports bar and grill place. You'll know what I'm talking about. Even though I was dealing with some awful thoughts about the pizza I was about to eat and other things circling my brain, I loved that dinner. I remember we talked a lot about some deep stuff regarding ED and myself, but I also remember talking about you, and your days in college when you used to play pool ALL the time and how you got really good, but how your shoulder kinda screwed that up. I am sure we talked about more stuff, but the one thing I remember the most from that dinner was how normal it felt. The atmosphere definitely helped, especially the  pool table where we played a game and you beat my butt. But you were there, and I was there, and we had dinner. It was a glimpse of what I wanted and what I looked forward to when I got out of treatment. You gave me so much hope that day Dad and I was and still am so grateful for you and your decision to visit me that weekend. I love you superman. 

Mom. Could you be any more awesome? Like really? How did I get so lucky? How did I get so lucky to have a mother who literally ALL of my friends adore, who is also my sister in ZTA, who tells me how it is even when sometimes I don't like it, who went through hell and back to get me out of Portales and into treatment, and who loves me 100% unconditionally? Only God knows. Mom, when I think about you and everything you have done for me, I realize just how blessed I am. I usually always come to you when I am upset, and sometimes when I don't come to you, you always seem to know. You just kinda show up and crawl into bed with me and ask whats up, which causes me to cry, and then leads to a good mom hug. I will always need a good mom hug. But anyway, mom you have inspired me. You have inspired others. You, are an inspiration. You are a warrior. You are my rock. You are momma Burks! I just want you to know, if and when you ever feel like you didn't do enough or you didn't do the right thing, you probably did. You most likely did. The female brain is a tricky thing, you and I know that, and I know how hard on ourselves we both can be. I have realized how much I remind myself of you (and not just our taste in men hehe) but so many other things. The day I came to you when I was upset about the donuts, you made the situation seem so normal. You made me feel like I wasn't crazy and you talked me almost completely out of it, because right after you did, I sat down and had a full meal with you. Please never change mom, even if something is telling you you should, don't. You are the perfect mother. You always have been, and you always will be. 

Amanda. My first baby sister and now best friend. Wow have we been through A LOT together. I remember when I was first diagnosed with anorexia and sent to treatment, you and I didn’t talk much about it. I think we were both a little unsure of how to. It was a very different topic of conversation for us compared to the ones we usually have; the ones about boys, and how stupid they are or how sometimes they aren’t all stupid, about friend drama, family drama, school drama. We have talked about, gossiped about, cried about, and laughed about pretty much everything...except for this. So when you agreed to have a conference call with me and my family therapist when I was in Denver, I was terrified, but also relieved, because it meant that you wanted to talk about it, and so did I. I don’t know if you remember how that conversation went, but I do. It was over the phone and I couldn’t see your face but I could feel your emotions and I could feel how badly you really did wanna talk about it. There were tears for sure and it felt so good to hear your voice. I will never ever forget that phone call and how much it motivated me at that time. Thank you sister. I love you with my whole heart and I am so proud of the beautiful, self-sufficient, confident, and independent woman you are becoming. We are in this together, so let’s keep talking about it. Grandma. My whole entire life, ever sense I could remember, you have always been a part of my life. You are always there, supporting me and the whole family. No matter what we do or where we go, you’re supportive in every way you can. Even if it didn’t make sense to you or you weren’t sure how to help, you did anyway, and I am so forever grateful. The fact that you came all the way with my mom to Denver to see me and eat dinner with me made so much to me. It might not have looked like it did at the time, but it really did. And every meal we shared together after that, I cherish. I always enjoy your company and love talking about art with you. I am so glad I got that gene from you. Thank you for always supporting me grandma and loving me and everyone close to me. You are such a huge blessing in my life and I am so thankful for the relationship that we have and the memories that we have shared. I hope for many more to come. Aunt Debbie. You are the COOLEST aunt out there, hands down. I would bet anyone anything that you are cooler than any other aunt out there. Thank you for being so cool. Thank you also for always being so loving and caring for me and my life. You have always showed interest in the things I do. The one thing I appreciate the most that you do for me, is that you have always given me the greatest advice, whether it comes to boys, ZTA, living alone, college life, and just life in general, you always know what to say. I am so thankful for you and mom coming to see me in Denver. Being able to talk to you and my mom, two of the coolest and most greatest advice givers I have ever met, was such a huge motivator for me. I knew I wanted to be back home with you and mom and asking you for advice about guys and what to do or maybe someday introducing you to a guy that you gave me advice about. I saw hope and a future that I knew I had to recover for, and you helped me see it. Thank you so much aunt Debbie for giving me hope. I am so glad to be living in that hope now and to have gotten to the future that I saw a glimpse for myself a year ago when I was in that little room with you, talking about life. I love you. So much. I can’t wait to ask you for more advice in my next future. My family has been everything to me the past year and I am so thankful for each and every one of them, for they have all had impacts on me. I didn’t talk about everyone in this blog, because some family members don’t read the blog, but the people I have mentioned here have been more than just family to me. They have been my direct connections to the blessed life I have and the life I want to have. They have been my lights and my guides to recovery. They have been my supporters, my motivators, and my friends. A common used phrase is “family is everything,” and let me tell you, it really truly is. My life now has been nothing but growth and change and self discovery. I have been able to live a college life and make memories that I actually enjoy. I have discovered more about myself now than I ever have, and if I’m being honest here, I owe it all to my family. 

So Merry Christmas to all of the families out there and don’t forget to tell them how much you love them, because you never know how much they really mean to your life, and how vital they truly are for you, until you’re put in a scary situation you never thought you’d be in.

Thank you for reading if you made it here. I appreciate you. I cherish you. I love you. Merry Christmas and happy New Years. I hope this year is full of more growth, more love, and more memories.

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