A Weekend Away

As I'm on the road with my dad traveling to Pagosa Springs Colorado, to visit my Grandpa's cabin, I hold my Taco Cabana breakfast burrito in my hand debating on whether or not I should eat the whole thing. I knew for a fact that ED was telling me you should only eat half and if you eat the whole thing you are a pig and don't deserve dinner. Plus, you didn't have a small breakfast this morning like you had originally planned. You are eating way too much, and don't forget about that dinner dad wants to cook tonight. You should've only eaten half. These are just some of the daily thoughts that squeeze their way into my mind. The primary source being my eating disorder. I sat in the passenger seat of my dads truck looking at the now half-eaten breakfast burrito and battling the thoughts ferociously, trying to remind myself how good this burrito is and how bad I know I want to finish it, while at the same time, thinking about the size of the burrito, the carbs in the burrito, the calories in the burrito, and the flat out entirety of the burrito. It's too much. I am eating too much. Wait...no. I'm not. I'm having lunch, and lunch does not mean only half of a burrito. Lunch means a meal. Lunch is eating food that you enjoy no matter what it is or how much, if you enjoy it...it is just the right amount. I started to tell myself that I'm on a vacation with my dad and that this is okay to have and this weekend is a chance for me to eat whatever the hell I want, and a chance to show ED what little power he has over me now. It is my chance to get back what I almost lost. What I almost let ED, again, take away from me. The last time I was at my grandpas cabin, I remember going on a hike with the family, and at times during the hike...feeling so good about myself...because of the calories I knew I was burning. Even when I felt extremely weak, tired, and hungry I didn't want to stop and I kept going and praised myself for what I was doing. I allowed myself only the bare minimum of what I needed to get through the day. When we stopped to have a snack during the hike, I pulled out my unsalted, organic cashews and ate about 5 pieces. Looking back, I could've had a much better experience on that hike if I had just given myself energy. If I had just nourished my body. If I had just shared in the joy my family had during meals. Instead I sat at the table, completely distracted and obsessed by the food in front of me and how many calories I was eating and what I was and wasn't allowed to have the next day. I was constantly calculating numbers and schedules in my mind, that I don't even recall truly enjoying that trip. So as my dad and I sit in his truck on our way to our favorite place on earth, I think to myself and ask myself what am I going to do on this short weekend trip to my grandpa's cabin? Well, after 5 months of treatment, the answer is simple. I am not going to let ED take over my thoughts and actions. I am not going to let ED ruin what is supposed to be a place of comfort and relaxation. I am not going to let ED dictate what I eat and what I want to do. I am going to eat a full breakfast burrito. I am going to have more than 5 pieces of cashews for a snack to re-energize my body throughout the day. I am going to share in the joy and happiness with my dad during our weekend together on vacation. Vacation is not meant to be a time for worry or contemplation about what I am eating or what I should not be eating or how I could be working out my body. Vacation is meant for enjoyment and relaxation, and that is what I plan to do during my entire stay in my favorite cabin on earth. My grandpa would not want me worrying or threatening my health in a place that he held so dear to his heart. He would want me to enjoy every last drop of happiness his cabin brings to me and my family. So that is what I am going to do. That is what I will do. I do not doubt that ED will creep in at times, because he most definitely will, but I am okay with that, because I have had enough, and I know now what I must do to get rid of ED and his cruel schemes. I know I have the strength to do this because of what I accomplished just 2 hours ago. I ate my whole burrito...and damn well enjoyed it, despite the different plans my eating disorder had for me. Despite what my eating disorder wants me to do. Despite the shortcuts ED is telling me to make. I will enjoy this vacation...and I'll enjoy it good.