A Change

Hello beautiful people.

So, here's the situation. I posted a couple times on my Instagram account about putting up a blog post regarding my trip to California, which I do intend on posting and do have ready. However, these past few weeks have been bit of a struggle for me, and what better way to express these struggles than on my blog, right? Well, I realized, that I had stopped writing, both here, and on paper. I used to write down everything almost everyday right before I went to bed, but at some point in the past month or so, I stopped doing that. Pretty much anyone professionally qualified within the mental health field will tell you that writing down your feelings and expressing your emotions on paper is the way to go. For me, they were totally right. Expressing myself through ink, paint, chalk, crayons, markers, and lead is how I cope with everyday ED struggles, and just everyday struggles in general. However, I have stopped doing that. I have stopped writing. I have stopped painting. I have stopped coping. The one really perfectly amazing thing about this realization is that I realized it. I didn't realize it a year ago. I didn't realize that it had come to a complete halt when it came to doing things that I genuinely enjoyed, and it genuinely took me over a year to realize it now. So in conclusion, I am writing this blog post first and foremost before I get into my trip to Cali. Just a little reasoning behind my desire to post about my trip is that, I truly believe people should know what it was like for me to go to Cali after recovering from an eating disorder because there are so many factors to travel that I never really prepared for. Plus, who doesn't like traveling? Everyone does it at some point in their lives. However, that means you really don't have time to be tied down by your eating disorder. So, I will delve into all of those opinions and experiences I gained by traveling with you after I release some pent up stress from the past week.

I will be completely and vulnerably 100% honest with you...ED is being a real pushy little douche bag right about now. Apparently ED thought it was a good time to make a visit, just when things are doing pretty well and I'm about to start school. I have not engaged in any full blown anorexic behaviors, however, the urges and the emotions are very much there and very much high. The emotions that are getting to me the most are revolved around my body image. I will have days where I feel totally and utterly accepting of my body...and then I will have days where I leave the gym and cry all the way home, followed by more crying until I fall asleep. It feels like whenever I have the good days, they are extremely good, and whenever I have the bad days...they are without a doubt, extremely bad. My therapist reminded me, that body image is the last thing to overcome in anorexia recovery. Not only that, but EVERY SINGLE FEMALE DEALS WITH NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE. I constantly, CONSTANTLY, have to remind myself of that. That I am not the only one struggling with this, and that I am not alone. I AM NOT ALONE!

That really bad day I was talking about where I cried all the way home from the gym and then proceeded to cry myself to sleep? Yeah. That day was what made me realize that not everything is perfect, that not everything is okay. Once again, I am saying it to myself and to anyone else who is reading this...RECOVERY IS NOT PERFECT. I have been in recovery for almost a year, and half of that time I was in a hospital focused more on my physical recovery rather than my mental. Mental recovery is not something you can just fix with band aids and pills. I said this to someone recently, someone who bravely and courageously admitted to me that they were dealing with some pretty heavy mental issues as well, and they of course didn't know this at the time, but that statement really hit home for me. I realized how right I was and how easy it is for me to say these things and know these things, but not believe them. A very common saying that I absolutely love and actually use quite often, is "practice what you preach." No one wants to be a hypocrite. I know I don't. However, I sometimes feel like I am. When I tell anyone and everyone that they are beautiful from head to toe, inside and out, perfect just the way they are, in no way deserving of any self-hate or body-hate whatsoever, completely deserving of everything good in this world...I can't seem to tell myself that.

My whole point for this blog, other than to cope, is to re-iterate how important self-love and body-love is for your mental health during recovery. This past week or two has been an emotional body-hate/body-love rollercoaster and that is just something that sometimes happens for people, regardless whether you're dealing with an eating disorder or not, it happens to all of us. However, because of it, I let these feelings and I let these burst of self-hate stop me from doing what keeps me away from those emotions in the first place. A few friends of mine, who I know from treatment, post on their blogs very regularly. I also know some bloggers, who post following a schedule. I thought about that, and I think it is something I am going to start doing. So, from now on, not at any specific time, I will be posting every other Saturday. I think this is going to keep me focused more on me and my feelings rather than letting them send me into a Linkin Park and Coldplay music overload on my way home from the gym. That being said, it is so so SO important that you find what helps you cope with whatever it is you are struggling with, and to stick with that. It doesn't matter whether it be swimming, drawing, talking, hula hooping, or blasting metal music in your room for hours, whatever it is...JUST DO IT.

This post has been pretty different from my normal, but I think some change is good. It's needed. And now, sense I'll be posting biweekly, I'm thinking it's time to change it up a little. That includes over-using gifs to express what I am saying through moving images. ;) If you can't tell, I LOVE gifs. There's a blog I like to read called The Katy Project, and she uses so many gifs, that it genuinely makes me happy, so I hope they made you happy too. We all need some happy once in a while in our serious busy lives. So enjoy those silly moments, let yourself feel the good emotions when they come and don't beat yourself up if they don't come as often as the bad ones. And please, please remember, that none of us are perfect, and that everything I write about here, I am working on myself.

A famous you tuber once said

"...& it DOES get better. So when it does, use everything from when it wasn't to create." - Gabbie Hanna

If you know who Gabbie Hanna is, she is a you tuber who has struggled with several forms of mental illness, one of them being eating disorders. She is a perfect example of the phrase "it gets better." Her life is not perfect, but she has surpassed more trauma and more mental illness than most people I know, and she's still working on it! I got this little quote from one of her Instagram captions, and the reason I am using it is because it actually means something to me. Me and her are in different ways, both creators. She creates videos. I create art (and now, biweekly blogs). So, I am going to do just that. Create. So keep an eye out (you probably know what's coming if you read my Instagram post). Thank you for reading. I love you. You are loved. You are appreciated.