The Notebook

There are a few reasons to why I have chosen not to write about this topic yet on my blog. They aren't very valid reasons, and they aren't really reasons at all. I just don't want to. I don't want to talk about the one thing that might actually be the hardest thing for me to talk about. I can talk about empowerment and self love and body positivity, but when it comes to the one thing that actually causes a lack of those things, I don't wanna talk. I wanna avoid and pretend it's not there. I wanna pretend that I'm not actually struggling SO much with the male sex and with dating. Why can't I just be like Allie Hamilton and find a Noah who will climb a ferris wheel just to ask me out! Is that too much to ask for?!

Obviously, we don't live in a time period where this romantic act is necessarily practical, but a girl can dream.

The last real relationship I was in was a relationship that is hard for me to really remember, because unfortunately my brain and body was not physically able to. I was at a time in my life where I put all of my time and energy into molding my life around food and how I could be the least exposed to it as possible. Now obviously, as a human you need food to survive, so accomplishing this goal with the mindset that no matter how little food I eat is still too much, would be extremely difficult, exhausting and timely. I barely had enough room in my brain to keep up with school, a sorority, and a job. Now, add a boyfriend into the mix, and you end up with a big pile of mush. That is basically all that I can remember from that time and from that relationship. When I think about it, I remember what we did and what he did and how he treated me, but I can't remember how I felt about it. I can't recall any feelings I may have had for him. I wonder why that is, and the truth is, it's because the real relationship I was in was with food, and it was a toxic one.

Fast forward almost a year later and the toxic relationship with food is no longer toxic, the big pile of mush is a much cleaner and better smelling pile of mush, and feelings are actually felt. However, in my generation, the term "feelings" has turned into a very negative connotation. To have feelings for someone has turned into a horrible and unfortunate thing. Why? Well, because once you catch feelings for someone, you are 100% guaranteed to at some point in this period of time where feelings are had, to get hurt. Whether it be during a fight with the person, an act of betrayal, and break, or even a break-up...feelings do not result in anything good. At least according to my generation. I have to say though, I do not disagree. Having feelings for someone, feelings that make you nauseous, feelings that make you so nervous to see them, feelings that make you want to get all dressed up just for them, and to have those feelings crushed or completely dissipate after trying so hard and not receiving what your feelings amounted to....sucks. This particular discussion can be applied for both genders. I have male friends who have gone through this exact thing. We have all experienced the pain of having feelings. However, after being in treatment and therapy for almost a year, and not given the opportunity to even feel feelings for half of that time, it feels good to feel again. Pun intended. I told myself I was ready. I was ready to feel the feels and get back out into the dating world, and I did. Well...I should have just stayed in bed.

Dating did not go as I had expected. It was hard and it was awkward. However, that's how dating is. It's weird and awkward and most of the time doesn't work out. The thing that I realized however during my plunge into the dating world, is that the topic of mental health and food and body image came up a lot. Both verbally, and in my head. More often than not, the topic of body image came up in my head, not only because of my own negative body image, but because of the comments made by the guy. They were usually very kind and supportive. Comments like, "you look great tonight," or "I love the way you did your hair," and things like that, but of course, for some reason, I didn't believe a word they said. I automatically went to "oh they're just saying that because we're on a date, they have to," or "he's just saying that cuz I actually look awful and he feels bad." Almost immediately I came up with a negative excuse to why this guy was being so complimentary and nice, because there was no way no how, that he actually liked the way I looked...right? No. That was ED. That was the awful, cruel, manipulative eating disorder voice in my head trying to use the one thing, the one issue that planted that voice in my head in the first place, to drag me down. To deprive me of any contact with the male sex because of what my past consisted of. My past...

Very, very rarely do I find myself in situations where my past is not involved. Conversation. Actions. Thoughts. I base everything on my past and how my past effected me. I think if there was one thing that I was truly trying to avoid when it came to this topic, it would be this. It would be my past and the thing that warranted me to "a past" in the first place. I do not want to get into every detail and dissect every part of this time in my life. I will, however, briefly explain why my past is my past. I was in a relationship with a guy, for almost a year and a half. He was my first love. He was the relationship that I had dreams of as a little girl. I thought we were perfect. I thought everything was perfect. I thought...I was wrong. In a group therapy session about 4 months ago, I was talking about the ways in which he treated me when we were together. The ways he spoke to me, the ways he treated me, the ways in which we argued...and when I finished, one of the girls in the room said to me, "he sounds like the definition of your eating disorder." I will never forget that comment. I will never forget it because it was the most true thing I had every heard. It was so obvious when she said it that when I was describing him, it sounded exactly as if I were describing my relationship with ED. The worst thing about this similarity, is the extreme difficulty in letting both of them go. No matter how awful they both are for me, no matter how toxic they are, no matter how wrong it is to want them both, I struggle to realize it. I realize all of these thing now. I can see the harm and I can see the bad that both of these things bring me, as before I was blind to all of it. Like I said, I thought we were perfect. I don't like to admit that I miss it. I miss that feeling of feeling perfect. Of feeling in a perfect place. Of feeling like everything is perfect. I miss it. What I do not miss though, is feeling like everything is perfect...when it actually isn't. I was so blind. I was so blind to what perfect actually was...when nothing is even supposed to be perfect at all, and it sure wasn’t anywhere close to it. So why then? Why am I constantly struggling to forget all the bad, all the pain, and all of the past? Why is it so hard for me to let go of what’s bad for me? Shouldn’t it be an easy thing to do? If it’s bad for me, why do I want it? Why do I miss it? Why is it still stinging my brain like a swarm of angry bees? I hate bees.

This is the reason I’ve chosen to avoid this topic. This is why this topic is so hard. This is the raw and and the unknown. Questions on top of questions on why my illness is the way it is. Why my brain works the way it works and why I feel the things I feel. Questions that I and no one else have the answers to. The root of my eating disorder and the start of it all.

When I realized what I had done and what I had put my body through, because of a guy, the bees that I mentioned, started stinging, and swarming, and growing. In a way, they worked as motivation, because once I got rid of the guy, the demon inside me grew. My revenge turned ten fold. My anger exploded, and my eating disorder (aka the demon) kicked into full gear. It wasn’t until I realized that I truly deserved better that I didn’t feel the stinging bees as heavily. They definitely like to make an appearance at times, buzzing around and whispering, "remember this?" and, "remember how awful you felt?" and "are you sure you want to do that?" I've figured out now how to swat the pests away and ignore the ugly thoughts. It was because of my loving family and friends who helped me see and realize what I wasn’t seeing. Who helped me gain my sight back and who made me realize the truth. The hard truth, that the perfect relationship I thought I was in, was in fact an extremely imperfect relationship with my eating disorder. And once I realized that, my decisions from then on really were the best I ever made. Treatment. Therapy. And ultimately, whatever I needed to do to get my life back.

Getting rid of something or someone that you once thought was good for you and convinced yourself was what you needed, is not easy and is not quick. I still struggle with it. But if you’re reading this, and if you reached this point (again, I appreciate you), then I want to leave you with one thing. Do not believe everything your brain tells you. Why? Because we are constantly told how and what to think. We are constantly bombarded by social media, by manipulative people, by society, and by ourselves on what we should and shouldn’t be doing. Instead, listen to your heart. I know. Cheesy. But I’m serious. If I had done this the minute my heart warily looked up at me and said “uhhh maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” then maybe I’d be somewhere on a Ferris wheel, gawking at a crazy dude hanging 100 feet in the air asking to take me on a date. Yes, I know...very unrealistic, but what I'm trying to get at is my life would be different. My dating life would be different. My view of guys and my view of their perception of me would be different. This topic would just be different.

So, to conclude this blog, which I am late two days in posting (I apologize to those who might keep up with my stuff), by sharing a very appropriate quote,

"Dating is easy. It's like riding a bike. But the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Everything is on fire. Because you're in hell."

I don't know who said this, and even though I think it is absolutely hilarious and not entirely off-kilter, dating is not really hell. It just feels like it. So if you are experiencing any of the slew of different complications that come with dating, don't give up. Don't let that voice tell you you're not worthy. Don't let it tell you you're not pretty, you're not smart, you're not dateable, you're not lovable, because YOU ARE. You are more than worthy, and the past does not define you or who you should interact with. YOU. DO. YOU.

Thanks for reading beautiful people. See you next Saturday