When Will It End?

Lately I have been finding myself needing to do this almost every day. I have been finding myself in increasingly more and more situations where I have to stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just keep going. Whether it be at school, at work, at a friend's house, or in my car listening to the radio, I am finding myself needing to and constantly using the coping skills I learned to use just a few months ago, and I feel like I can't catch a break! I feel like I cannot go one day without having to breath in...breath out...repeat, and on I go. It was not until recently that I realized just how frequently I was having to do this. It was not until a couple days ago, with my back against the locked bathroom door, head in my hands and tears streaming down my cheeks, that I asked myself, "when will this end?"

If you are wondering whether or not this actually happened, it did. I strongly believe in letting your emotions out rather than grasping onto them like a dog playing tug a war. After being in treatment for almost 6 months, it has been pretty easy for me to express my emotions, however, there is a time and a place. The place I was in where I knew that my emotions desperately needed to be expressed was not the place. So, as I sat on the bathroom floor letting out those emotions that I was trying so desperately to smother just minutes before, I continued to ask myself, when? When will I stop feeling this way? When will the flashbacks stop? And when will I leave this bathroom?

I guess I should explain why I was in the bathroom in the first place. It was a regular day at work and I was feeling fine. Totally normal day, nothing out of the ordinary...until lunch came around. The company was having a lunch event called a "lunch & learn," and I decided to go sense I have never gone to one and I figured it was my time to get involved with the events the company puts on. (I had been avoiding them pretty frequently). Well, if there was one social event that I should avoid and could have chosen to avoid, it would have been this one. I had basically just attended a "lunch & learn how to get an eating disorder." The whole presentation was about the keto diet and about food. It was not just about the keto diet though, the presenter talked all about her own eating habits and what she eats and doesn't eat and how we should all do the same. How we should all just cut out a huge, and very important, macro nutrient out of our lives in order to be so called “healthy.” If you do not know what the keto diet is, it is basically a type of diet that consists of absolutely no carbs and no sugar. Fun fact! If you don't get the required amount of carbohydrates, a very important macro nutrient, in your daily life, severe health problems can result, and I'm not just talking about the normal extreme fatigue, ketosis, or constipation. There are worse results. An eating disorder is one of them! Anyways, as someone in recovery from an eating disorder, this lunch event was not something I needed to hear. So, as I left the room...I took a deep breath in...and a deep breath out...and when I thought the daily crash of the wave was over and I could breathe easy, I was blindsided by yet another wave and I was under again. I mean, it wasn't even 30 minutes later I was having to breathe in...breathe out. A few employees very close to my desk started talking about their diets and their eating habits, and get this! One of them was stating behaviors of her own, which were DIRECTLY associated to anorexic behaviors. Can someone say, MAJOR flashback. As I took the deep breaths, yet again, and plugged in my headphones with the volume way too high, I knew I wasn't going to be able to get out of this one. I knew the deep breathing and the blaring music wasn’t going to get rid of the thoughts in my head and the sting of their words. I knew I was going to have to take a trip to the bathroom, I was just waiting for when. About 10 minutes went by and I found myself sitting in the bathroom, with my head in my hands, and my tears on the floor. It was just too much. It was too much to handle in one sitting, even after discussing some of it with my dad, who works in the same building as me and who I greatly appreciate during times like these, but even he can't help to prevent the things that sometimes break me down.

I can always count on r.h. Sin to make the true and raw quotes. This particular day was exceptionally difficult for me, but thankfully it is not something that happens all the time. However, it still happens. I still get flashbacks and I still hear the same comments about food and eating almost everyday. I still sometimes feel as if I’m in a nightmare. Whether it be about not trying to eat that or this or talking about the calories in a meal or snack or deciding that someone wants to lose weight! Every single day it’s something different, and I’m tired. I’m tired of the sting these comments leave me with, and the pain of a memory of what I once was. I hate thinking to myself every time I hear these things, “yep, been there done that,” or “I know what could help that work even better.” I have been working really hard at trying to combat these thoughts and these rush of memories with something positive in my life, and for a while it has been working pretty well. I tell myself that even though this person is on a diet and even though this person has decided to restrict certain foods from their diet in order to be “healthy,” I am my own healthy and I am my own person. I get to enjoy the foods that I want to enjoy and I don’t have to be on a diet. I am perfect just the way I am. I don’t have to be like everyone else and just because this person is on a diet, does not mean I have to be on one as well. I’m healthy and strong and fit. What’s the point of a diet anyway?

“To feel good about yourself and to feed the beast you know that’s inside of you begging for your attention,” snarled ED.

I got a pretty vivid picture and feeling of this beast one day at school. As I woke up for school one morning, I realized that I had slept in late. I had to hurry out of my house and ride my bike to school as quick as I could...something that happens to most normal college students, and most students in general for that matter. However, once I got to class and once I got settled in and was able to relax after having to rush to school, I realized that I had definitely skipped breakfast. I had nothing in my system and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything into my system until lunch time due to my immediate class after the one I was currently in. And sense I was late I didn’t pack anything from home. I instantly knew that having an eating disorder is a true form of addiction because once I felt it, really and truly felt that feeling of emptiness and space inside of me, I craved it. I enjoyed it and I wanted it to stay. I wanted the feeling of nothing in me to never leave because I knew if I always felt like this, I would look exactly the way I felt, and with this type of disease, that was the end goal.

So I ask again, when will this end? Well, honestly, I don’t know. Recovery is long, painful, hard, and unknown. Everyone’s recovery is different. I look on my social media and see friends I met in treatment doing amazing things and clearly working so hard to have the lives they deserve, and I can’t help but wonder if they go through these things too...I can’t help but wonder if they have had days like the day I had in the bathroom at work. I hope not. All I can do about this wondering is to stop wondering. I can ask myself these questions and I can beg and plead for the thought and feelings to go away but that’s just not realistic. We all have thoughts and feelings no matter what it is we go through, and I’m just going to have to live with that. Honestly, I don’t think it is ever going to end. I don’t think I will ever have to stop shutting up that demon inside of me telling me to do what he says and to listen to the people and comments around me. I will always have to deny his plea to give in. But I will not cave. I will not let it drown me. I can push past the crashing waves. I will definitely have days where these waves come in floods but that doesn’t make it impossible to survive them. I decided to write about this for a couple reasons. One because it is my obvious coping skill, but two, because I needed to use it as a vow. A vow to myself to realize and understand that I am not a failure for having rough days and to keep pushing past the floods and past the days where I just can’t breathe as easy. I vow to not let myself relapse just because of the society we live in. I will not give it that power. I realize that this is a pretty heavy vow to uphold, but it is probably the only way I can keep it if I write it out and make it public. So, if you or someone you know is struggling with overcoming those really hard and triggering days, no matter what it is, and if you are always asking yourself when will it stop or does anyone else feel this way? I am here to tell you that you are not alone, even if whatever it is you struggle with is not directly related to this, it is valid and it is worth expressing. I guess in saying this it reassures my own doubts that I am also not alone. In fact, the truth of the matter is we can all relate to having bad days. There is not one person on the planet who has gone through life without having one bad day. Therefore, it is in fact, A FACT, that we are all not alone, and if you don't believe me, take Demi's word for it.

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to breathe in...breathe out. Love you all!